A little about myself

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately. I've been spending more time at home for a variety of reasons... potty training, illness, and lack of desire to do anything... and that gives you time to think. We also graduated to the world of DSL internet not too long ago. I had been using NetZero free dial up forever before that. DSL opens up a whole new world of ways to learn and, on the other hand, ways to waste your time. I love having the internet in our home. Alex has found a couple programs that he can use himself, and I love having allrecipies, ebay, weather, and google.com to teach me everything from what I can make for dinner to what is going on in the world to whether aphids are just aphids or if they morph into something else when they mature. I also love to blog surf, and I've found some incredible blogs out there. But I've learned something about myself. I don't know about you, but if I'm bored and unmotivated, I just want to sit and do something meaningless for a while. But, if I'm feeling at all sad or depressed or anything like it, and I get on the internet, it makes it worse. If I go completely against what I want to do and do something productive, I feel so much better. Case in point, today I was mad, just plain mad at nothing and at everything. I was mad that we haven't found out the results of Shaun's test, mad that we still live in this dinky apartment, mad that it was a mess, mad that Alex is two and so is having listening problems, mad that Shaun isn't perfect all the time, mad that my best friend moved away, mad that I'm not the weight that I want to me, mad that that that...well just mad. All I wanted to do was sit on the couch and look at the ceiling, or maybe surf the internet in search of nothing. But I had recently discovered that surfing isn't good for me so I mustered all the motivation I had and all together it was barely enough to get me cleaning. And then I was mad that I had to clean! I kept at it. I pulled out the couches and vacuumed behind them. I dusted and organized and put away. And after the two hours it took for me to finish, I was ok again. The world wasn't out to get me anymore. I love to clean, but since I've had kids, the payoff isn't nearly as big. I used to clean and it would stay that way for a week. Now I'm lucky if it stays that way for an hour. But stay clean or not, I really just love the way it feels to clean. My absolute favorite chore is vacuuming. Now this is going to just make me sound crazy, I know, but I love to vacuum. So next time I'm feeling blue I know I just to reach for the vacuum cleaner and it will all be ok.